3.23.2009

so there are two movies called 9 coming out on 9-9-09 . . . this is the good one

so there's a few new videos today, but the two in question are the trailer to a movie called 9, and the short film on which the upcoming movie is based on. when i saw the trailer (the first of the two) i thought it was cool, but i lumped it in with just about everything else tim burton has been involved with such as sweeney todd, corpse bride, batman, edward scissorhands, nightmare before christmas, coraline, and sleepy hollow, just to name a few.

while these were all good flicks, they all had an unmistakable consuming stench of tim burtons black beret. while they had different stories and character elements, i couldn't help but think for the majority of these movies that i was going to see cameos of other tim burton characters show up miraculously as if they were all part of some twisted halloween movie marathon (the scores for the majority of these movies being composed by danny elfman doesn't help either).

but when i found out that it was based on a short film written, directed, and animated by shane acker i couldn't help but get a little excited. you'll see what i mean when you watch the short film directly below the trailer. while ultimately i'm disappointed that tim burton is even involved in this movie in any other way than simply writing a check, the fact that acker is directing the movie is a definite plus.

i feel like this could also be a semi-redeeming role for elijah wood who voices the title character. i say semi-redeeming because it seems for the last 5 years he's pretty much stayed behind the camera doing voice-overs for characters like spyro, animated frodo baggins, and other such nonsense. on the other hand this character seems like it could bounce him out of the kiddie category (barely) by at least voicing a character with some cojones, allbeit animated and made of cloth, but cojones nonetheless. overall i must say i'm pretty excited about 9, and as long as acker keeps the reigns and holds true to his short film, i think he can stave off the monochromatic tones that make up the doldrums of tim burton and his movies.

p.s. i realize there's still time, but as of right now, i'm extatic to say that johnny depp is nowhere near this film.

3.22.2009

how to win friends = common decency

in forced awkward intimate situations, people tend to revert back to certain established and learned comfortable phrases to keep the conversation going. why we do this is something altogether confusing, considering if you're not even 30 seconds into the conversation and already can't think of something to say, babbling through the small talk that consists of pre-recorded questions and pre-recorded answers to those questions isn't going to get anybody anywhere.
ever heard this one before?

"hi i'm ____"
"my name is ____"
"so what do you do?"
"oh i'm a ____, you?"
"yeah i work in ____"
"cool"

and you're back to square one, the only thing we've established is how we pay our respective bills. following this little opener, we realize that we now actually have to try to get to know this person, and the conversation continues as if our opener had never happened in the first place, but for some reason we have to have that boring intro into our lives on the off chance you might have a similarity in job description or you know someone in their field, either of which would put you in exactly the same place you'd be anyway, having to actually converse.

while i realize this isn't exactly the circumstance under which normal interactions begin, i thought it noteworthy enough to mention. while accompanying my girlfriend to church this morning there was the typical 'take a minute to greet those around you' time period to kick things off. while most of the patrons were simply turning round in circles shaking hands with those next to, in front of, and behind them, i witnessed one woman walk across the aisle and 2 rows back to greet some friends sitting next to me. the interaction went as follows:

woman approaches with unnaturally large smile
shakes the hand of someone while telling them her name
upon hearing their first name, without waiting for a last name, immediately asking "what do you do?"
end of conversation

now i wouldn't have really thought twice about it if she hadn't done it to three people in a row, as if it were an interview or some sort of public survey. the manner in which the question was asked couldn't have been less personal, and the question itself isn't exactly heartwarming or eye opening. getting to know your fellow man, or woman in this case, isn't just about going through the motions. it takes effort, time, and a genuine willingness to learn. there is certainly, as this case holds to full example, a difference between allowing someone else to talk about themselves, and actually divulging no information about yourself and immediately moving on.

so if you plan on making the giant leap to actually interacting with strangers, as scary as it may be, please put in some effort.

3.19.2009

frack

while i have the utmost respect and empathy for people who work in customer service and call centers, i must say this has been one of the most frustrating afternoons i've had in a long time. i spent just over two hours today on the phone with people at newegg, western digital, and ontrack trying to figure out just wtf is wrong with my new hard drive. ok, it's not that new, i've had it since christmas, and it's had its share of transfers so far . . . probably upwards of 800 GBs of movies, shows, music, and whatnot. at the end of almost every single one of these phone calls, right before they transferred me to someone else, something to the effect of "wow, that's wierd" "i've never even heard of this before" or "you must have done something wrong" was uttered by these so called customer service professionals. granted, i for some reason have the talent of coming up with computer problems that gill bates himself couldn't fix, but please dont try to make a joke about the 700+ gigs of entertainment that your drive miraculously lost and you have no utterly idea as to where it might have gone.

this brings me to the outrageous internet robbery that is data recovery. i was on the phone with bill at ontrack, who was quite polite, and spoke very good english, something i would normally consider a moot point except for the fact that my tally for the day was now 1/4. bill very plainly explained what might be wrong, the procedures that would take place, all the logistics of shipping and packaging, where they were located, where he lived, how long it would take to get it back to me, that they would run free diagnostics, his wife's name, you know, all the pertinent information for a data recovery case. then after all this, he dropped a number on me that hit like hiroshima. "with a drive your size and the fact that i haven't an idea of what might be wrong with it, i'm gonna put you in the $1500 - $2000 range" . . . i think i just pooped my pants a little bit.

now i'd always been told the importance of backing up your documents, which is why i bought my first external drive. so now that i'm on my third external drive and all i've lost are 700 gigs of movies music and tv shows, i suppose it's not the ugliest puppy in the litter, but i'm still a bit burnt on the fact that a glorified geek squad wants to charge me $2000 dollars to run a diagnostic program and perhaps do some spring cleaning on my hard drive in a dust-proof room looking like dustin hoffman in outbreak . . . or sphere. so i had to say to bill what i have been telling netflix, gamefly, and christie's cabaret, "i'm poor and i can't afford your services . . . no, not even on your finance plan".

so i've decided to drink a redbull or seven, have a few hotpockets at the ready, and begin re-downloading all my ghosted data. this means that apparently comcast and i will enter another 4 month battle as they throttle my bandwidth and i repeatedly call them telling them they are throttling me. of course this doesn't really get anybody anywhere considering they're normal response is "uhh everything looks fine on our end sir, perhaps your firewall settings are inhibiting proper port flow through you're router and/or modem" which i'm pretty sure is written down somewhere on a big poster at comcast because not only does that phrase come up a lot, it comes up from different people, in different counties, and most of them don't seem to know what half those words mean.

so here i sit, making a que of all the 400+ movies, 30+ concerts, 20+ install files, 15 audiobooks, and 70 seasons of shows that have been lost somewhere between two very tiny spinning disks of aluminum alloy.

3.18.2009

signs

the above video is positively glorious (it may not actually be above, i may have moved it, but i promise it's somewhere on here). there's really nothing else i can say on the subject other than it makes my mind race. i'm not really sure any of them are complete thoughts, perhaps more questions than answers. let's see where we end up, shall we?

in a time when instantaneous worldwide communication can tell you what ninja warrior obstacle is the favorite of miss olivia munn, or exactly where to meet shaq for free tickets to tonight's game, a 12 minute video who's only interpersonal communication takes place on 8.5 x 11 sheets of paper is refreshing to say the least. this makes me think back to when i was sitting in my parent's basement doing homework and talking on aim. my dad implored me to give him a valid reason to be on the newfangled instant messanger. "to talk to people . . . ?" i said tentatively, to which he always responded "just call them on the phone and get it over with. but that's kind of the point isn't it? not to get it over with.

the constantly changing methods of interpersonal relationships are forging new paths for media to follow shortly thereafter, and that's why we do it, because it's new, it's cool, and just by using it, we're helping to form the infrastructure for the next wave in new media. these milestones such as the phonograph, the nickelodeon, the telephone, the video phone, instant messenger, cellular phone, podcasts, text messaging, video messaging, xbox live chat, twittering, every single one of them has made a step forward and allowed us to communicate faster and more efficiently with one another, and each across a more inclusive spectrum than before, narrowing the geographical gap between friends, colleagues, family members, and complete strangers.

but back to the video for now... the concept was put up by publicis mojo, a creative branch of the worldwide publicis group, these particular branches being located across australia. while i'm not really sure if this video was put up for a particular client, it certainly says a lot about a society that has limitless avenues of communication and allows people to go on being alone in a city of thousands.

this tragedy goes on for nearly 4 minutes showing how in every part of his day our hero is surrounded by people and still feels completely alone. such a common human feeling in a digital age, and one that is tackled by an unadorned, guileless and classic idea, pen and paper. this speaks volumes to me personally about how we are always going to be able to step back and have these personal relationships, and that no matter how digitized and instant our communication is, or how insensitive some people think it may be, we will always have the potential for these relationships, and those are the relationships that form friendships, partnerships, businesses, marriages, and all the things that make us human. so keep talking, keep twittering, keep texting, but remember that the avatar, screen name, or phone number you're talking to has a face, a brain, a mind, and a heart.

live well, love better, good night.

happy st. patty's day!

so my girlfriend and i walk in the door after a good night of st. pattying, i sit down to unwind with some TV the interwebz and a beer, and i look up at the clock and i realize it's not even 1 AM. first thought: holy crap i'm getting old. second thought: wait a second, i started my celebrating at 4 PM. this brings me to quite the conundrum. while i'm quite proud of myself for celebrating my irishness despite the fact there's not a bit of irish in me, i am pretty disappointed that on the drinking night of all drinking nights i can't muster a night that stretches more than 45 minutes into the AM. while it may be quite easy to point a finger and say i am getting older and therefore less cool, i blame this night on a lack of planning. my original plan was to run some random errands during the day, and hang out at the house with a few beers while i wait for plans to be made for me. at the time it seemed like a wonderful idea; you know, drink a little, get some things done, have the night planned out for you. only problem was, apparently everyone else had the same idea. this is when i came to a personal realization, it's one thing to be open minded and accept whatever the night brings you, but when everyone is playing the 'open minded' card, it's probably best just to buck up and do what you want to do. not that i had a bad time, i enjoyed my green beer quite well, especially when topped off with waffle house to finish off the night (always a pleasant ending point). but i've found more and more lately that people are being more conscious of their surroundings and the people with which they socialize, not only does that mean a more inclusive time for all, but it just might mean the most indecisive night for everyone as well. while most people never want to be 'that guy' that drags everyone around by their coat tails while secretly everyone wants to be at home watching grey's anatomy, if you're the only one playing tour guide, chances are you have everyone's undivided attention. some groups already have a 'tour guide' character in place, others may select a character depending on the particular night, but if you're group goes out with a purpose but no one waving the red flag of courage, be ready for an evening full of "what do you feel like" "oh i don't care" it doesn't matter to me" "i'm good with whatever". now i am completely aware that most socially interactive groups are composed of people in leadership roles and those in more of a follower role, and it would be quite selfish to assume that the same person should lead the charge all the time, however to allow everyone accountability, the situation must be made open for those who typically find themselves in following roles to feel comfortable taking the reigns for a bit. while i realize that this responsiblity may rely more heavily on those in the leadership roles, it will probably be worth it to actively pass on control to a less participatory friend than to passively wander aimlessly around downtown while everyone complains about how cold and wet it is outside. no real point to this one, just some personal thoughts taken down to remember later.

good night to all and a happy st. patty's day.

3.16.2009

some traditions are dumb . . .

while i sit here watching will farrell impersonate the dubya on HBO, which by the way is quite hilarious, i'm contemplating my next major purchase, a new laptop. i think it may just about be time for a new one considering my current dell latitude 9200 is about 5 years old, has been completely formatted 3 times, currently refuses to operate such programs as windows media player, internet explorer, adobe anything, along with several other problems that seem to fit no categorical heading. while i chalk most of these up to who knows, i still find it hard to let go of my pc ways. even though advertising as a whole is almost completely a mac dominated industry, the processing speed, battery life, and environmental consideration are all top notch, and pc's are becoming more and more unreliable, i still can't seem to . . . . oh wait.

yes it seems that my next laptop will be a new macbook pro, as a very tiny part of me dies inside. but that will probably only last until i get it home and realize that absolutely everything is smaller, faster, sleeker, and overall more efficient. man i'm stubborn sometimes . . .

what dreams are made of

let's just see where this goes . . .

i've been having some really wierd dreams lately. not wierd as in unexpected, in fact they're completely familiar to me. wierd in such a way that i haven't had them in years, and i used to have them all the time. now i know dream studies are all over the interwebz as far as what this means, what is a symbol for that, and all that nonsense, but if any of you have any input, i'd love to hear it, i've always thought dreams were a really interesting dive into the subconscious. i'll start by briefly describing these dreams.

the first one is pretty common and one i used to have all the time. you've all heard of the losing teeth dream where first it's one tooth, then two, and by the end you're spitting out your dental plan into your palm and screaming in otherwise inaudible vowels. this one is like that, only instead of my teeth falling out, they begin cracking. think about an iceberg beginning with one crack that just starts to run throughout the tooth, spreading to other surrounding teeth. before i know it, all i hear is cracking and my teeth begin to shatter something like this.

dream number B. slightly more wierd than the first, but still relatively calm and simple. like i said before, i used to have this one all the time, so for the most part in this dream i'm a little kid running around a fantastically large mansion . . . think beauty in the beast type of mansion. if i were an architect i'm sure i could quote you a decade and name the period, but i'm not, so let's stick with beauty and the beast. the only thing is, i'm not just running around this mansion, i'm being chased . . . by a lion. wtf? i know. anyway, this dream isn't just your average chase dream, i see the entire thing as if it were being watched from the security cameras in the top corners of these 30 foot tall rooms. nothing really happens, and i wake up wondering if there's a lion in my kitchen.

and last but certainly not least my third dream takes place in an old west train with several of my best friends. while the friends at any given time change in the dream, they're always recognizable to me, and there are always 4 or 5 of us. so we're decked out in your favorite jesse james outfit and we're fighting our way to the front of this train with guns-a-blazin. as we near the front of the train, a friend and i duck under a bar table to fire at our opressors. after we take out a few of the baddies, one of them busts through our blockade and shoots my buddy in the back as he lays next to me. the dream goes in to slow motion as i see him lower his gun to me. i see him pull the trigger and as the bullet enters the small of my back, my dream literally explodes into a barrage of colors, as if rainbow brite decided to take the pop rocks and coke challenge.

so those are the three dreams that i've been having recently, and it got me searching. psychologytoday.com had an article in 2007 that basically said dreams are rehearsals your brain puts you through as a sort of practice session for possible encounters. for instance, you're watching a good old fashioned action flick and it gets you thinking what you might do in a similar situation. when you go to sleep, you brain takes that thought and basically builds a situation for you, depicting not necessarily what you would do, but what you might do, allowing you to see a certain outcome. if it's an unfavorable outcome, you see what not to do, and if it's favorable, you see it as practice. that's the general idea of the article anyway, do check it out, it's a good read. while that is a very logical approach to dreams in a general sense, i feel like it leaves out dreams that are so completely fantastic and out of the question that there is no way they could represent or be linked to real-life situations. so with that said, apparently my brain is preparing me to be chased by lions, have my teeth shattered, and be shot up old west style while on a moving train; all amazing considerations, but at least i now know what i think of dreams.

some things are just necessary

so my countless hours at 'the office' have left me with plenty of parting thoughts over the last few months: why i need a new job, exactly how much drawn butter does it take to kill someone, yes i guess that really does happen in a restaurant, as well as several others. however, the most pressing thought on my mind last night as i left was important enough to actually stay on my mind long enough for me to look it up today.

as i sit here typing this, the other tab in my browser is indeed depicting the specifications, price, size, and order information for a residential soda fountain tower. apparently the years of working in restaurants with a variety of sugary beverages at my fingertips have rubbed off on me because lately i've been downing canned sodas like they were going out of style. not that i would install such a beautiful system in my current rented residence, but it satisfies me to know that for only $1,018 plus shipping and installation, i could have my very own dispenser tower with my two favorite flavors of carbonated goodness.

even more interesting and delicious is an apparent 'upgrade' that you can get which turns one of the dispenser outlets into a liquor dispenser. how could you not be the coolest guy on your block with a perfectly refrigerated countertop whiskey and coke machine??? the sheer possibility of this makes my head spin. anyway, my parting thoughts for the evening are those of one day spending four figures on a machine that will give me what i can already get from my refrigerator for absolutely no cost at all.

3.12.2009

are we made of what we own? or vice versa?

we've all got our list of go-to websites that we can completely lose ourselves in when we have an extra ten or fifteen minutes. of course when we're still there 45 minutes later and have accomplished absolutely no work at all in the meantime, that's when you know the site's a keeper.

my current keeper of the moment happens to be http://www.onesentence.org/. the site, strangely enough is exactly what you might think, a simple user-submitted list of single sentences. from hilarious to disturbing to jaw-dropping, the list contains entire stories without the puffery, without examples, without adjectives, setting, or backstory. these entries, sometimes as few as 7 or 8 words can represent entire years of a person's life and take no more than 5 seconds to read.

as i think about how much detail and how much personality these singular sentences have, it makes me think of how many tens and hundreds of pages i wrote throughout high school and college that collectively couldn't muster the soul that is contained in some of these posts. to me, that is advertising; taking a hundred page report on why your target is your target, why they buy what they buy, why they like you, what they want to see from you next, where they shop, what they eat, how much they make, what they wish they could afford, what their names are . . . and turning that into 9 words. as impossible as it may sound to take the entire lives of a collective group of people and try to transplant it into a tagline for a product, that is how relationships are made.

we all have relationships with the products we buy, and we purchase those products, most of them anyway, because they fit our lifestyle. whether it be price, color, taste, texture, we buy the things we buy because we like how THEY fit into OUR lives. isn't it interesting then, that the reason they fit so nicely into our lives is because our lives helped form the product.

this backwards-compatability is what is helping to reshape the way we see consumer goods. we can no longer think of the traditional top-down pyramid of CEO to supervisor to manager to clerk to customer. a successful brand has the product and the customer at every level of the game. my thoughts on a model, if there has to be one, is a circle of your business plan with the facets of your business around the outside, and the customer in the middle. the consistent interaction with the consumer at every level will ensure their approval at every step and form a more personal business model that will increase repeat business and spread the word of your company's good character.

character is what we do when no one is watching.

3.11.2009

ever wish you had a sixth sense?

i absolutely must pass this on. although i did originally get this article from kevin pereira (my favorite TV host) on twitter, the link is to the digg posting of the same article. please view the entire video, then read the comments
. . . great, GREAT inspiration here, and plenty of new avenues to explore with the potential realization of this idea. allow me to introduce you to Pranav Mistry and his world altering idea

3.10.2009

you must begin somewhere

what to write when you don't know what to write. a tragically common problem among writers, artists, creatives, and anybody else that is constantly put on deadlines to extract nuggets of material from their brain that are nothing less than spectacular.

it's times like these that i'm dragged back to 9th grade english (and yes dragged is the appropriate word). back then they made us do this exercise in which you are required to write without stopping to edit, punctuate, capitalize, brainstorm, sneeze, pee, or make fun of the teacher's terrible thanksgiving sweater. when i was 15 this was quite possibly one of the most useless activities on the face of the planet, right up there with putting your seatbelt on, and trying to understand algebra. then again, when i was 15 i was stupid, at least for the duration of that thought process.

i find it terribly interesting how common i think this thought "man if i'd only realized that when it was told to me the first time". it's not that i don't listen, i'd like to think i'm a fairly good listener, especially when i'm being instructed on how to do something, or taking mentor-ish adice on some life lesson. it's also not that i'm incapable of comprehending complex cerebral ideas and deep lines of thought that may have more than one meaning at any given time.

i think situations like these, where you're told to write for the sake of writing, that it will make you a better writer, that you may be surprised with what you actually write, these situations are ultimate misunderstandings that befall 90% of the people being told. whether it's because they're hungry, they're attracted to the girl two rows over, they really don't like that sweater, or a million other possible reason, they will not WANT to do this assignment.

assignments like that have a 0% success rate if the student doesn't want to do them. you must let go, free your mind, be the ball, or whatever other matrix-like line you want to use. the 10% that actually do this assignment will gain the knowledge of what's really inside them when they read what they wrote, not believing that they could write like that, but for those 90% they will continue to tell stories of how bad 9th grade english was. you can be told, you can hear, you can listen, and you can understand (or so you think), but if you don't believe, the outcome of these exercises will not benefit you at all.

so pick up your guitar and record yourself playing nothing in particular. close your eyes and type about nothing (it helps to literally start typing about why you're typing, and just go from there, you'll be surprised where you end up). begin drawing and don't lift your pen up till you see something. look at familiar scenes through a mirror. do all of these, but don't even try them if you don't believe you'll come up with something great.

3.09.2009

why watchmen should have done better

while i certainly do have an opinion on 'watchmen' which i saw yesterday, doing anything more than saying i thought it completely rocked would be (at least right now, cause i have to go to work in a bit) a waste of my time. in the meantime, if you're wondering my thoughts on the movie, i'll suffice it to say that i completely agree with what the feed has to say on the subject.

and it really was an exquisite film.

wondering whether you should go out or stay in tonight for dinner? this list could help

alright so i realize that this list is as old as the internet itself, but having worked in three different restaurant/bars, almost every single one of these is absolutely and undoubtedly true. so if after reading this list you find yourself wondering "wow, am i that guy", you probably are.

this list is prompted by a very long saturday double shift and an astronomical amount of people that should just stay home. my personal recommendations are 8,9,10,28,and 39. on the other hand i must say that i've noticed more polite diners/drinkers with the warming weather so for that i must extend a public thank you.

oh, and if you're ever out to eat on a date with someone, or any other sort of meeting where you're getting to know someone, pay special attention to how they treat their server/bartender, it's a great prediction of general character. with that, i leave you to peruse the following list.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
9. Get the bartender’s attention with eye contact and a smile.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He’ll get the message.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don’t have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout ‘woo-hoo!’ if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn’t play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You’ll be surprised how well it works.
28. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar’s sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you’re off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barkeep to keep the change, but once they have handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. It’s okay to drink alone.
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman’s name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.
47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don’t drink from straws. Unless you’re doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don’t plan to finish it, don’t accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you’re leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don’t know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you’re ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you’re going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
71. It’s acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

3.08.2009

staying connected

aside from my extremely long day at work yesterday, i suppose it was just like any other saturday. the weather was nice, people don't tip (more on that later, i promise), you know, the usual . . . except my phone died.

now this really isn't a big deal, you all know me for tending to let my phone go for awhile without a charge and perhaps i won't call you back for fear of putting the final proverbial nail in my phones dwindling power supply, but you'll at least get a text out of me. not yesterday. my inattention left me without my phone for just over 36 hours, and not only had it been awhile since i'd been without instantaneous communications, but it was also the first time since i'd had an active twitter account.

it wasn't the 13 missed text messages or the 4 voicemails or even the 45 minutes i spent last night catching up on it all, but for someone who is constantly being fed (seemingly useless) information, i found myself hungry to know the dumbest little details of my friend's lives (i'm sure it didn't help i was at work and had little else to occupy my thoughts). this got me thinking...

my first thought was something to the effect of "oh my god it's come to this point, i'm that cliche that micromanaging stage parents are always on fox news blabbering about. "the interwebs today have kids addicted to technology, that's why i homeschool my kids in a compound 90 miles from the nearest town with no electricity." now of course i mean no ill regards to homeschoolers, people who live in the boonies, or people with no electricity . . . but put them all together and there's something kinda eerie about it don't you think? anyway, i digress. for a few hours (in between delivering people their extra sides of ranch, drawn butter, and their fourteenth diet coke) i was trying to convince myself that i wasn't really addicted to technology, that it was a convenience that i sometimes took for granted, but that i didn't NEED it as an integral part of my personality. i may spend hours a day checking blogs, downloading torrents, playing on xbox live, texting, video chatting, researching, but i'm certainly not addicted. i also like camping with no internet, a nice roaring fire with marshmallows and the occasional phone ca . . . . shit.

so i am addicted, and the first step to an addiction is admitting you have a problem, right? wrong. the first step to an addiction is admitting you have an addiction, see the difference in wording there? some people will say that in this (dare i use the cliche phrase?) day and age (yep, why not, i'm tired) we're addicted to technology, and for some reason that is automatically bad, wrong, uncouth, morally unacceptable, unbecoming of an officer, adulterous, or worthy of a good whoopin' . . . whatever your choice phrase may be.

now this is nothing new or groundbreaking, i just wanted to throw my money into the fountain on this one. an "addiction", especially one to technology, is nothing to write home about, or to write anywhere about frankly, especially your local conservative news show. this instant link to the rest of the world may keep 23 i mean 13 year old boys in their basement and away from the sun for the majority of the vitamin-d boosting months of the year, but a skin tone that resembles a clean sheet of wax paper isn't worth the attack on an industry that has, is, and will forever change just about everything. a wholehearted embrace is what's needed for the nerds, geeks, and all around smart people that spend hours curled over a soldering station or staring into their gargantuan lcd screens because the possibilities are literally endless.

it is now that i realize i'm rambling because i can no longer remember when or how i began this little soap box parade of mine, but i think the point is to get out there and get connected, stay connected and figure out new ways to keep connecting to people. your digital footprints might not have a geographic location or a tangible book that can be admired in your study someday, but connections are about the spread of information. the faster the spread, the more we can all benefit by change.

3.06.2009

mino HD flip review

so what do i find waiting at my door when i get home this afternoon but a wonderfully packaged (and very quickly shipped i might add) amazon box containing none other than my new camera (paid for with gift card as well). after playing around with it for a bit, here's the skinny.

thin, sleek, black . . . all the things i like in a woma . . . camera. at first glance it was everything i'd heard and hoped for, and the subsequent fiddling left very little to be desired. at 4" x 2" x .75" recording in 720p with 60 minutes of onboard storage, this is the smallest HD camera i've ever seen, if there is a smaller one out there i'd love to see it.



mino called the ball on this one, the camera itself is the definition of sleek and portable with only two side panel buttons (power on the left, and the USB release on the right), and very simple back panel navigation buttons similar to your favorite little apple mp3 player.



quite possibly the coolest feature of this camera (other than the fact i could probably think of several ways to get it across customs should it ever become illegal) is the flip-out usb connector. no cables to deal with, no software CD to load, and no charger to keep up with, this baby does it all. a simple USB plug in will charge the camera (full charge in about 3 hours), load the software (pc and mac compatible), and allow you to chop, edit, save, and upload your stored videos.



do keep in mind that the camera itself only stores 60 minutes of video internally, and has no memory card slot, as i'm sure space is tight in there. keeping to the simplicity, the only recording setting the camera has on board is a 2x zoom which actually isn't much, but is extraordinarily smooth.

the back panel (where the magic happens) houses a central red record button surrounded by 4 navigation buttons whose functionality includes zoom and scrolling through recorded videos. the only two other buttons are a top left play/pause button and a top right delete button, and oh yeah, they're all (except for the record button) lighted touch sensitive, which means a higher cool-rating, but minus points if you have to operate this little betty in gloves. the packaging is very reminiscent (again) of an ipod with a minimalist approach to cool.

accompanying the mino is a quite durable wrist strap, a microfiber bag/lens cleaner, and a audio/video adapter for direct TV viewing. all in all this pseudo spy camera which goes for $209 on amazon is the perfect camera for on-the-go video documentation like twitter, facebook, and home made webisodes. lacking only an expandable memory and a better zoom feature, unless you plan to be recording studio quality video, this pocket cam tops the list.



just a quick preview of the video quality from this tiny little gem.



quick and skinny:
pros: size 4" x 2" x .75"
flip-out USB connector
extremely simple
plug-and-play HD quality
cost: $209

cons: minimal video storage (60 minutes)
minimal camera settings
no headphone jack
minimal zoom
inability to take digital stills

final rec: buy it sucka!

3.05.2009

oh the times they are a changin'

so a nice conversation that originally took place on xbox live with a complete stranger while drinking a beer and playing left 4 dead (where else do thought provoking conversations take root?) has gotten me thinking . . .

as an advertising grad, i'd like to think i have a pretty good grasp of of our current economic state, at least from a spending (including overspending and underspending) standpoint, and i'd like to offer up my thoughts to the subject. allow me to say, before i get started, that i think this is simply something to consider in addition to many other "causes" that are floating out there, but something i think has been understated and undermentioned as a possible reason we are where we are now.

the conversation originally began with what many (myself included) believe was at the core of our country's economy. classical liberalism was derived from, very simply stated, a response to britain's over-developed government heirarchy and a need to follow in the steps of any 13 year old angst ridden emo kid and rebel. this system of classical liberalism over the last 4oo years has changed quite a bit, and several times over, but compared to many systems of government economic strategies is relatively the same as it was way back when. that being said i feel like we have bought a gold-plated desert eagle, and shot ourselves in the kneecaps with it, metaphorically of course. the system that was originally formed to give us the freedom to explore and expand rapidly has given us the freedom to run ourselves into the ground. many claim that the government (over)regulation has become an integral part of severely slowing down our ability to get the economy back on its feet, and i agree; as is par for the course for any extremely large and regulated body to make any sort of major change in an environment.

Classical liberalism is often mistaken for the very simple view of limited government involvement, and that is an integral part of the larger ideal. However, at the heart of the matter is a more personal call to action requiring individuals to adhere to the system that allows them such freedoms. A system with no external government help requires a strong internally governing mindset within all its citizens to hold the ideals. It is these ideals that become corrupted when faced with an individual profit, and eventually lead to the necessity for government regulation to protect the innocent.

all in all i suppose my point is that our classically liberal economic structure has fallen by the wayside. that is, at least when compared with individual greed and people that are willing to skip steps and take advantage of the governing system to make a better end for themselves, even if it means the eventual collapse of the system itself.

but as they say, the rains of tragedy bring about the winds of change, which i think is a great summation, albeit overstated, about the recent explosion of corporate transparency, green technology, and collaborate philanthropy we've been seeing from many of the fortune 500 companies. as i said, it takes awhile for any entity that large to make a significant change in its operating structure. i think the ideas are there, and it's just going to take a little time before everyone's headed in the right direction.

3.04.2009

bonnaroodiculousness

so this whole bonnaroo thing is coming up. and by 'coming up' i mean the $270ish tickets have gone on sale and people have begun to plan and pay and plan to pay. while i have never been before, a drunken night of f.e.a.r. 2, killzone 2, and reinventing scott stapp at the top of my lungs had me convinced that a 700 acre farm in manchester shared with a few hundred thousand of my closest non-showering friends was the best idea since a second joystick. now don't get me wrong, i am going, i will have a hell of a time, and i am extremely excited, but what i'm pressing myself for is to understand why i'm excited.

first there are the bands. although the beastie boys are a staple of the hip hop movement and i really like the sabotage music video, i'm not terribly excited to see them "play" on stage. i hate bruce springsteen, end of story. i do like to listen to phish, but i must say i no longer partake in the mota that originally made them so appealing. as for most of the rest of the bands, (and i have listened to just about everyone that is posted as playing) they're good, but nothing i'd beat up my father for tickets to go see.

when all is said and done i think the reason i am so unnecessarily excited about spending 4 days in a field in the middle of tennessee is the chance to get away from sitting in my apartment and driving the 2.2 miles to and from work every day. it's something new, something out of the ordinary, and something that is easy to get excited about; not necessarily because it is the bees knees of concerts, but because it is an event that is known to get people excited. i think at this point i'm rambling and redundantly saying the same thing over and over again (eddie murphy in the barber shop in 'coming to america' saying "ahha") but my point is that although it may sound backwards, sometimes you just need to latch on to something and make it exciting instead of waiting for something exciting to come along.

darksiders 360 mod

just a quick one in between games of halo wars which, as far as i can tell, is absolutely amazing. It seems to be the perfect blend of complexity, via the halo universe/multiple class options, and simplicity of control needed for a console RTS. but honestly check out this xbox 360 mod.

p.s. the rest of his stuff is amazing too. kudos to ben heck.

http://benheck.com/03-03-2009/darksiders-xbox-360-laptop-for-thq

3.03.2009

what's on the menu

so aside from the obvious excitement of picking up my limited edition copy of halo wars, i was hoping to get the ball rolling on this whole blogger thing, so let me give you all the rundown on what to expect.

along with the basic life-and-times sort of updates that i'll be posting, i'm also a big fan of lists. beer and video games were my first two list posts, so you can probably expect more from that general family of popular entertainment. shortly to come there will also be weekly video posts/interviews (when i get my new camera) of what's going on in my life. now you may be asking yourself things like "why should i care" or the bolder of you may be saying things to the effect of "i know i don't care" but let me assure you, you do care. you care because whether you're thinking about hiring me, friending me on facebook (apparently 'to friend' is now a verb), or just tuning in for some recs and reviews on gadgets, games, and drinks; you are here, and you are still reading.

to come:
halo wars review
street fighter 4 review
mino hd flip review

3.02.2009

blogger and twitter, meet cole

so as i'm sure everyone says on their first post, here i am joining the bandwagon. but in all seriousness, i figured it was about time i joined the social networks that make up the industry i am trying so hard to get into (advertising). last night (3.2.09) i put up this page as well as finally getting around to putting something (anything really) on my twitter page (twitter.com/cmauer).

i'm a 23 year old recent graduate of the university of tennesee living in nashville, tn as of 8.08. i'm searching the market for a great ad firm in town, and in the mean time waiting tables at the ever satisfying joe's crab shack on 2nd avenue. but seriously i'm loving music city and trying to catch every show i can, so if you have any recommendations please feel free to hit me up on here, twitter, or facebook (cole mauer).

so with two feet finally into SNing i made a pretty hefty purchase today, my first camcorder in the form of a mino HD flip (www.theflip.com). i loved the specs on it, so we'll see if i love it as much when i actually have my hands on it. when it comes in (in about a week) and when i get some time to explore the ins and outs of blogger, i'm sure you'll see some video posts.